Feels weird that only a day or two after making a big messy vent journal I feel not only fine but actually...pretty good. I really have been in a bad spot for quite a while, honestly. I haven't felt like myself at all, only like a hollow shell at best, or maybe a shoddy imitation at worst. I used to have a very clear and confident writing style, and I always knew what I was doing. Writing to me was honestly more like a mother tongue than it ever was a hobby. It was how I expressed myself. Imagination was for me almost a lifestyle in its own right. I hope that doesn't sound pretentious, but it *was* (and is) something I take a lot of pride in. For better or for worse, it was what made me, me
. But then about a year and a half ago, I lost touch with that. And with it, pretty much my entire identity. My purpose, my confidence, my capability. They were all linked to how well my mind performed, and since it mostly performed through imagination - since that was how I understood and explored the world - well....you can probably kind of imagine what that would cause. I've been in turmoil for a long time now, and that's what causes most of my issues. It was sort of like removing filters on a water tank or something; without the critical thinking I couldn't discern what was worth listening to and what wasn't anymore. As a result, I became muddled, and everything felt like a shot in the dark. And since I'm used to have a good idea of what I'm doing, that hit me hard.
Pretty much all of my stressors, barring a few, have been internal. Worrying too much, trying too hard, and trying to force myself to be worried about things because that seems to be the norm. Too much trying to be someone I'm not, too much trying to force myself to feel things I don't feel, too much trying to fit in, even if fitting in means trying to force myself into unhealthy mentalities. I worry enough as it is, I don't need to worry even more. Peer pressure is a lethal weapon by the way, guys - be on guard for it constantly. On a related note, Tumblr sucks, never touch it if you can.
All this together, though, with other factors shifting in and out of play for the past year or so, have created some sort of sinkhole-filled swampland of self-doubt, turmoil, and worry. Like a tempest storming through my emotions. All my mind was was worry and self-hatred.
I'm feeling a lot better today, and yesterday too, like my capability is returning. I think even if I feel sort of silly about making it now, writing that last journal helped quite a lot. It really got a lot of my feelings out and helped give me some of the relief I didn't realize I needed. Like siphoning out some of that nastiness helped me unconsciously get a better look at it. Unfortunately, since I started writing this earlier I've started to feel stressed again (this journal did not turn out as concise as I'd hoped), but I hope (and pray, actually) that last pitfall in my journey has been the last for a while. I'm ready for some inner peace, and I want it to last.
However, even if I'm starting to feel serenity again, I think I will be more or less putting RPs on an unofficial hold for a while, and just focus on Fire-and-Spirit
and Draco Stryx until further notice. Once I can get off the ground enough, some good headway on FaS - probably enough to get it all but ready to go - and enough stability to hold a reliable RP muse, then I think I'll return to my existing RPs. Note this isn't a "you'll never see me again until then" kinda thing, but rather it's more that I won't be doing much. The necessities and some posts when I feel up to it, basically. In other words, taking it easy so I can get some stuff done, stuff that'll be important to getting my health back. I hope to be back soon, and I'll return when I'm ready (so be prepared for awesomeness when that time comes! mwuhaha). I just need a break. I want to enjoy books again, and be able to distinguish myself from other people.
Thanks for your understanding, so much. I hope to be back soon. See you then!